Wednesday, 9 November 2011

I'm Dreaming Of A Fake Christmas

I was talking to my friend Wetsoks yesterday about various different things, but mostly about how excited I am that this will be the first year I am involved in Fake Christmas.

Don't get me wrong, I am also looking forward to real Christmas, but since the Fleetch leaves midway through December, I am afraid I may descend into an unyielding despair and spend the remainder of the year padding about the flat wearing only my polar bear onesie and an expression of grief. Anyway, our group of friends has a get-together every year that they have entitled Fake Christmas - given that some of them visit parents/relatives in different countries and often different continents for Real Christmas, it's not always easy to ensure that everyone is together at least once. Fake Christmas apparently has all the trappings of Real Christmas - presents, crappy Christmas films (including an atrocity called 'Peach' starring Lucy Lawless, which I am simultaneously dreading and looking forward to) and plenty of delicious festive food, delivered over one single joyous day.

Wetsoks: We exchange gifts and all the usual stuff. But the best part is the food.

Me: I love Christmas food.

Wetsoks: There are important details that must not be left out. After all, it's not Fake Christmas without pigs in blankets.

Me: Naturally.

Wetsoks: Or Brussel Sprouts.

Me: I'm not quite as keen on those, but sure. Who am I to alter any detail of Fake Christmas?

Wetsoks: One year, we had 'toducken'.

Me: You had....what now?

Wetsoks: 'Toducken'.

Me: ....Um.

Wetsoks: It was a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey.

Me: (gaping) I think my brain just exploded in happiness. OH MY GOD. Seriously? So much meat!

Wetsoks: You know the best part?

Me: (drooling) What?

Wetsoks: We wrapped it in bacon.

Me: (twitching) Stop. Stop. You're killing me. I've never wanted anything so badly before, unless you count that Lionel Richie teapot which says "Is It Tea You're Looking For?"

Wetsoks: And...

Me: There's more?!

Wetsoks: (whispering) Last year we also had.... sausage stuffing.

Me: (squealing like a toddler full of Smarties) This isn't just any Christmas! This is M&S Fake Christmas! This is like if Carlsberg did Fake Christmas! I don't even know what I'm saying anymore!

Wetsoks: Maybe I've overexcited you. You should take off your shirt.

Me: You almost had me. Nice try. Also, we're on the phone. How would that even benefit you?

Wetsoks: You'll do it sooner or later. I just need to wear you down.

Me: Well, this sounds like every relationship I've ever had. What are your thoughts on moving in after the Fleetch leaves?

Wetsoks: I like it but I'm afraid of commitment.

Me: Again, this conversation is familiar. "I fancy you but I don't like making decisions. Take off your shirt."

Wetsoks: Ha! Love is harder than crime. When's your next blog post?

Me: It might just be a crudely-drawn picture of a 'toducken', with hearts around it.

Wetsoks:.... I could live with that.

Me: Sweet.


  1. Ooooo now I ALSO want to have Fake Christmas! Very funny post! Too bad Fleetch will be gone for the Real Christmas. That would make me sad too.

  2. It's the saddest thing ever. Sadder than the scene when Scrooge realises that Tiny Tim will die, if I am to use an appropriately festive reference :( But I am going to visit her in Americana next year, so fear not. Soon, the Otternator will be causing chaos near you*

    *I say "near you". I mean "in the same country, thousands of miles away". I assume. My geographical knowledge of the US is shockingly poor.