Before the Fleetch left to visit her family in the States for a week, we'd spent some time discussing a particular issue of mine. I won't go into detail now, except to say that it is terribly exciting, juicy and the most interesting thing ever. I'm kidding. It really wasn't that juicy. Anyway, at the end of the conversation I got up and started to pile our dinner plates into a wobbling, dangerous column so I could carry them to the kitchen.
Fleetch: I think I'm going to go to bed soon, dude, I'm up early tomorrow.
Me: Yeah me too.
I looked at the Fleetch. She was already focused on doing something pointless with her new iPad.
Me: So. Any wise words of advice before you leave?
She looked up from her iPad and gave me a slow, considering once-over.
Fleetch: Don't be a dick.
I opened my mouth to respond, closed it, opened it again, thought better of it and settled for just standing there, amazed that the exact advice I needed to hear was expressed in merely four words.
Me: ..... Huh. Thanks.
When the Fleetch returned after a hard week of partying with her family (including an amazing Harry Potter themed Halloween party that her sister threw, which honestly looks like the actual film set - at one point when she was showing me the photos, I asked how they managed to get the door to look like the entrance door to the Great Hall at Hogwarts, and she replied that that was already part of the house. It just happens to be a kickass massive wooden double door. You could have hidden a family of four behind it comfortably) I realised that I still hadn't paid her for my half of the Malta trip. I messaged the Fleetch.
Me: Brah. I still haven't paid you for Malta, so remember to give me your bank details later tonight.
Me: Is it also Sparta?
Fleetch: Yes. Now imagine me facekicking people in the office.
Me: Um... I'm trying...
Fleetch: Feel free to read that as either me kicking people in the face, or kicking people with my face.
Me: I prefer the idea of you using your face to kick people.
Fleetch: Yeah, it's more my style.
Me: I can just imagine your appraisal - "Fleetch, while we value your skills and believe that you make a great addition to the team, we're not sure that it is...appropriate for you to facekick your colleagues every time you experience extreme emotion."
Fleetch: Goddamn Health and Safety.
Me: Tch. I know, right?