On the recently published list of "8 animal hybrids that could break the internet", the top picture featured was a Sloth + Otter combination aptly, if somewhat worryingly, called a Slotter, and would look like this:
This led to a rather disturbing conversation between myself and my vegetarian girlfriend.
Me: Slotters! Our babies will be so cute and perfect and will apparently break the internet!
Sloth: That IS adorable.
Me: But what would they eat?
Sloth: Seaweed.
Me: (glazing over) I imagine that the Slotters would hunt in large packs. Hundreds of them hunting a single whale, hugging it to death while it sinks into the abyss because of the extra weight, and then they'd nibble on its delicious blubbery carcass, feasting for days and singing of their triumphs.
Sloth: Eww, no. They'll eat seaweed.
Me: But-
Sloth. (sternly) Seaweed!
Me: (whining) But honey, they want to drown whales!
Sloth: (stern look)
Me: Fine, fine. Seaweed. What about a nice diet of seaweeds and crabs?
Sloth: No crabs.
Me: Why the hell not? Crabs are tasty.
Sloth: Because they have eyes... and plans for the future.
Me: (gaping in horror) Oh. Oh god. I never thought of it like that. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck....why would you phrase it like that?
There was a brief pause.
Sloth: (innocently) So, seaweed?
Me: (broken) Seaweed. *sniff*
Honestly, I don't think I've ever met a crab with a plan for the future other than crawling along the ocean floor. Not that I would know, because all the ones I've met have been dead. On my plate. In cake form. But I'm trying to imagine a crab with a plan for the future, even one as futile as a season competing on The Apprentice, or Survivor or (insert your favorite trashy reality show here), and I'm just not seeing it. I'd feed those suckers to my slotters in one second. But your nice. You are. I hope you don't get eaten. If your kids break the internet, I might have to eat you myself. Let that be a warning.
ReplyDeleteThere is the obvious question of whether you speak fluent crab in order to find out these things, (and if so, perhaps those you met were simply underachievers - hence why they were lazily scuttling around on the bottom of the sea and not, say, setting up their own small business in the coral market) but apart from this I commend you for taking the time to study the career prospects of the species ;)
ReplyDeleteI shall do my best not to break the internet, but I cannot speak for my unborn slotters as yet however I'm sure Sloth will do her best to curtail all naughty activities...