Monday, 27 August 2012

The Lion Tweets Tonight

Normally I don't experience any kind of excitement on a Monday morning, but today was quite, quite different. A lion is currently free and ambling around inhabited parts of England (cue all Aslan jokes) and the media is whipping itself into a frenzy of excitement.

Wetsoks: Dude, look at this link -

Me: Awesome! Wait, how the hell does a lion just wander off without anyone noticing?

Wetsoks: I think it escaped from the circus.

Me: And the circus just left? I can just hear the conversation now - "We're down one lion."
"Did you look everywhere? Under the bed? In the secure and locked cage where we normally keep them?"
"Yep. It's not there."
"Well, screw it, we have to leave now or we'll be late. We can buy little Jimmy a new lion in the next town. He won't even notice."

Wetsoks: I know. Who does that?

Me: Only in Britain.

Wetsoks: I think it's been out for a few days at least. They've got the army looking for it.

Me: Well it shouldn't be that hard to find. Follow the trail of dead animals. It's got to be feeding itself somehow. If you find a sheep with its legs in one field and its ribs in another, it probably didn't die of natural causes. I'm just saying.

Wetsoks: I can just imagine that episode of The Only Way Is Essex... "And so I was like, 'oh my god Michelle, you are such a drama queen! A lion did not eat your boyfriend!' She should just admit he dumped her for being a slut!" Cue posh, horsey laughter.

Me: I can say with sincerity and joy that I have no idea what you're talking about.

Wetsoks: The article says that Essex police enlisted the help of experts at Colchester Zoo to identify whether the animal in the photo is in fact a lion.

Me: Naturally when I see a huge, dangerous animal, my first instinct is to whip out my smartphone and snap away.

Wetsoks: Colchester Zoo is adamant that the lion did not escape from them.

Me: Well, establishing blame is the first priority. Then we can catch it. But let's make sure we know whose fault it is before we make any rash decisions.

Wetsoks: Should we be alarmed that they had enough tranquillizer guns to arm a whole squad of soldiers? They'll probably bring down every animal in a forty mile radius just to to be safe.

Me: "Private, can you explain why you shot this cow?"  
"Sir! It looked like a terrorist, sir!"
"...Carry on."

Wetsoks: I am absolutely not looking at the price of a train ticket to Essex right now. In addition, the police are looking for a witch and a wardrobe, who are believed to have information about the lion's whereabouts and motives.

Me: I'm seriously rolfing.

Wetsoks: The lion doesn't stand a chance, I'm pretty sure everyone in Essex is armed.

Me: There are already two Twitter accounts tracking the lion's thoughts as it roams through the countryside. I love modern technology.


  1. Great post, I love your writing style and content is funny and engaging. Glad I found your blog!

  2. Thanks very much! Hope you enjoy the rest (although it's been a while since I laughed at something as much as the this one. Lions on the loose. I swear, you couldn't make it up)

  3. I love you and I love this country!