Thursday, 16 August 2012

Eight-Legged Kittens

My friend Wetsoks text me the other night from her flat, which is unfortunately situated near to the field where my old house was, and therefore is perfectly positioned for constant attacks by the... well. The following text conversation should explain everything.


Me: Ahh! What?!

Wetsoks: Two is classified as an invasion, right?

Me: Get the lighter and the spray! Man the boundaries! Do your duty!

Wetsoks: Okay, good plan.

There was a brief pause while I waited anxiously.

Wetsoks: Uh oh.

Me: Sweet baby Jesus, what have you done?

Wetsoks: There are spider guts all over the wall, brah.

Me: Don't use the S word!!! You know how I feel about that.

To read the original recap of why we refer to spiders as kittens, please read this earlier post -

Wetsoks: I didn't even know that 'kittens' had guts. They do. They're pinkish yellow. In case you wondered.

Me: I never wanted that knowledge. I'll cry forever now. Thanks.

Wetsoks: Sorry buddy! Truthfact!

I waited a couple of minutes to allow her to carry out her mission.

Me: Have you executed the kittens yet?

Wetsoks: Yes, and there are kitten guts all over my wall.

Me: I don't know whether to be happy or sad about that.

Wetsoks: Technically only one left its guts on the wall. I hit the other one real hard with a book I didn't like.

Me: At least you had time to choose your weapon. I almost hate to ask but how big were they?

Wetsoks: I chose this book specifically because I wasn't sure I could touch it again, far less read it. And the kittens were huge. Properly huge.

Me: I need to know my enemy. 

Wetsoks: Let me put it like this - there aren't just guts on my wall, or a red mark, there are actual organs.

Here please just put some imaginative expletives in place of what I actually said in response to this, which I am sure was much worse.

Wetsoks: I know, right? They were so big I almost offered them coffee.

Me: I'm going to have to blog about this this. And then weep copiously.

Wetsoks: Why? There aren't any giant kittens in your house, smushed over your furniture and wallpaper.

Me: Yes, but its just a matter of time before they come looking for me.

Wetsoks: Ha! Guess who wrote the book I killed the second one with? Karin Slaughter. 

Me: Genius. However, I worry if something happens to me right now and then someone finds my phone, checks the texts, and the last thing they read is something about killing kittens.

Wetsoks: You know who can deal with that? Future you.

Me: Totally. She's great at that stuff.

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