Sunday, 5 August 2012

A Bride's Day Out

I did something I've never done before in my entire life, this weekend. I attended a hen night for my aunt who is getting married at the end of the month. Despite protests, she continued to claim that it was not a hen night (instead choosing to call it a "bride's day out") in blatant disregard of the penis straws, banners, fairy wings, tiaras and other assorted lady crap that made the inside of our minibus look like a chick flick threw up in it.

I know what you're thinking, and you'd be right. It was... interesting. I won't go into detail but rest assured that some memories have seared themselves rather vividly and regrettably, probably permanently, into my brain.

The real amusement came when I had to share a double bed with my mother, something I have not done since I was a child and ill. It's been at least 15 years, but it never occurred to me that she'd been using this time productively to come up with...well. I'll let you read for yourself.

Me: (sarcastically) This is fun.

Mum: (cheerily) Isn't it?

Me: Um...

Mum: Oh, now I have to explain the rules to you.

Me: The rules of sleep? Can't I just close my eyes like normal?

Mum: No. You need to know some things first about how I like to do it.

Me: I don't think I do.

Mum: Just let me explain.

There was a brief silence, during which I mentally prepared myself for the insanity to come since there was clearly no way of preventing it.

Mum: Well, I have this thing. It's called "starting'.

Me: Okay.

Mum: So when I say "I'm starting", that means I've started to prepare for sleep. Don't talk to me after that because if you do then I'll have to start again.

Me: Do you know how bizarre it is for a person to have sleep rules?

Mum: There's something else as well.

Me: Of course there is.

Mum: I also like to have "reserve".

Me: What the bloody hell is "reserve"?

Mum: I start by lying on my back, and then when I'm ready I roll onto my side, but I need to start with enough space to do so, which means I need to start in the middle of the bed.

Me: Dad is such a lucky man.

My mother shuffled over, closer to me.

Mum: Right, I'm starting.

Me: Wait a second. Your arm is on my side and its touching me.

Mum: Well, what am I supposed to do with it?

Me: At least let me have my own little bit of space! You don't even clear 5 feet, you don't need all this area!

She huffed and shuffled away about two inches. I accepted this as the best I was going to get. There was a short silence, during which I did my best to restrain myself from pointing out how insane this all was.

Me: Well, goodnight then.

Mum: Ahh! I'd already started!

Me: But you didn't say you were starting!

Mum: Well, I was.

Me: Well now I'm starting too.

Mum: Good, then we're both starting.

We lasted about 10 seconds before we both burst into hysterical laughter.

Mum: Do you think I'm mad?

Me: Well, a bit. But I already thought that.

Mum: That's alright then.

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