Friday, 30 December 2011

Keep Calm And Expecto Patronum

My friend Wetsoks and I were watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix a couple of days ago. I'd refer to her as New Fleetch (tm) but I cannot bring myself to use the nickname for anyone other than the original Fleetchsta. You know what they say - a Fleetch by any other name won't smell exactly like couch and Oreos (I do enjoy old proverbs).

Wetsoks: I can't get the playstation to choose English as a region. Shall we go with Australia?

Me: Wouldn't it be great if the entire film was dubbed in Australian accents?

Wetsoks: Ha! "These Hogwarts sheilas are crazy!"

Me: I love it.  "You're a wizard, mate." "I'm a what?" I'm not sure I could take Voldemort seriously as a villain if he had an Australian accent though.

Halfway through the film, Wetsoks turned to me again.

Wetsoks: See, this is the problem with Harry Potter. And don't get me wrong, I love it, but when you think about it...

Me: What?

Wetsoks: It's like - Film One: "It's a trap!" "Nah...Oh. It was." Film Two: "It's a trap!" "Nah... Oh. It was." Film Three: "Seriously, it's a fucking trap!" "Nah... Oh. It was." By the time you get to the Goblet of Fire, you're wondering how Harry has managed to stay alive whilst being so stupid.

Me: Well, he's had help a lot of the time.

Wetsoks: That's the other thing - have you noticed that Hermione gets things done? Harry will sit around uselessly for a while 'figuring stuff out', and then Hermione will Make. Shit. Happen.

Me: It would have been interesting if the books were written from her point of view. I'd have liked to see Hermione take on the Dark Lord. "It's not Avada KEdavra, it's Avada KeDAVra. Honestly, Tom. How many OWLs did you get?"

Wetsoks: Look at Sirius now - "I'll just wander a bit closer to this Mysterious Archway of Death, shall I?"

Me: "I'm not sure that's a good-"

Wetsoks: "No, it's fine! There's absolutely nothing sinister at all about the Mysterious Archway of Death, hanging in the middle of the room for no reason. Why don't I just stand next to it, in a precarious sort of position, while this dangerous battle rages on around me?"

Me: You speak truth, bro.

There was a brief pause.

Wetsoks: I also wish there was more McGonagall.

Me: Oh, totally.

We spent the remainder of  the film shrieking every line in faux Maggie Smith impersonations (despite the fact that both of us are Scottish anyway, we hammed it up quite a bit). This activity improves other films too, so I recommend it highly, but possibly only for private screenings.


  1. I find a similar pleasure can be gained when watching anything in which Michelle Gomez appears. The Book Group has the advantage of also featuring some Scandinavian accents to mock^W pay tribute to :D

  2. I've only been allowed to say "What's the matter, Harry?" and "Lemon sherbert!" - heee.

    And Tom: I had to Google Michelle Gomez, but I'm quite agreed now that I know who she is! She was amazing in the Book Group and amazing in Green Wing - "I shall give my answers in the language... of a crow! CAW! CAAAAAW!"