Friday, 25 March 2011

Your Hips Don't Lie, But Your Cats Aren't Telling The Whole Truth

I am aware that I talk about the cats sometimes. Maybe a little too much. I think it stems from being around people at work who also have cats, or worse, children, and enjoy talking about them and showing me photos of every major achievement since drawing his/her first breath. It hasn't yet got to the point where I am pulling out my phone/wallet on the bus so I can show old ladies pictures of Roland and Giles in various poses (but usually with the same exasperated expressions that say mother, we do love you but take one more photo and we am going to do something unimaginable to your favourite sweater with the deer on it. We mean it) but I am aware that it is a slippery slope to total CatLady Mode, like that Simpsons character who throws kittens at people.

The cats sometimes fight. Very little stops them during a scrap, as they do get quite focused on kicking each other in the head and reenacting Street Fighter moves, but we have found a couple of things that work. My favourite, and something Other Half cannot stand, is shouting "Shakira! Shakira!" at them. Let me explain, Shakira had a song called Hips Don't Lie. I shouldn't really overanalyse, I mean, I am after all aware that Shakira's appeal does not lie in her meaningful song lyrics, but really - of course hips don't lie! They don't have lips, for one thing. Also, hips are not sentient and cannot conduct their own thoughts independent from you. I realise this is incredibly pedantic, but you know how I feel about modern lyrics.

In any case, one line of the song goes "no fighting, Shakira, Shakira," which is actually quite a useful thing to shout over the yowls of hissing, exploding cats, especially if you can do it with the kind of reggae rhythm that occurs originally in the song. Unfortunately I may have overused this a little as now they flinch every time they hear 'Shakira', even in casual conversation. This has led guests to believe that we have to spell the name out because the cats are scared of her music, which is a myth I perpetuate. It amuses me greatly. 

This brings me, rather gently for a change, to all the beautiful cat-related things in my life. For example, sentences you say to your cats but shouldn't have to. Such as "is that ice cream on your face?" or "where did you wee? Show me!" or "GNAARRRGH YOUR CLAW JUST WENT THROUGH MY EYELID, OH GOD OH GOD IT'S BLEEDING!"  True stories. Luckily I still have the use of both eyes, and what's another small facial scar, really? It adds character.

I'd like to point you all in the direction of the website that started my love of pudgy cats (lets not call them fat, lest they become image-conscious, although admittedly some of them could certainly do with going on The Biggest Loser and would never make the cut for America's Next Top Kitten) which is called, imaginatively, TubCat ( I don't know whether it is simply that the large majority of these cats are, shall we say, festively plump, or that some of them have priceless expressions, or that some of them have been dressed in unusual outfits, but these pictures make me cackle loudly and helplessly every single time.

Speaking of unusual outfits, have a look at these ( My personal favourite is the wizard costume - after all, who hasn't read Harry Potter and immediately thought "I simply MUST dress my pet up like Dumbledore! Think of the hilarity! No time to spare to make my own outfit, so I'll buy one off the internet!"

I do love modern technology, don't you?


  1. Surely "Hips don't lie" means that your thrusty dance moves indicate you would be an adequate lay? No? Just me? Dirty mind? Well, yes, I've watched the video...hypnotic...

  2. You're probably right :) Its a badly written song which doesn't help. Maybe she should have tried singing about hot pies?