Other Half and I had an argument last night. It was a tempestuous, fiery debate and it was about an issue very close to both of our hearts, but which we hold opposing views on - baked goods. It began when Other Half said, after the programme we were watching had just ended and the credits were running:
Other Half: I'm going to get a muffin.
Me: I ate the last one.
Other Half: There are others.
Me: Um...I ate those too.
Other Half: You ate FOUR? The whole BOX?
Me: (indignant) No! We shared one, remember, and then... and then... Okay, I might have eaten the rest, yes.
Other Half: (gaping) But that one was mine! You ate three of them and didn't leave any for me?
Me: (soothingly) Well, let's be realistic. They've been in that cupboard for a month-
Other Half: They were foil-packed for freshness and didn't expire til 2013.
Me: That may well be the case but you can't dangle food in front of me and expect me not to eat it.
Other Half: But it was mine!
Me: Well how was I supposed to know that? There was no sign on it saying "belonging to Other Half". My thought process was "I'm hungry. Mmm, a muffin. Nom nom nom." That's it. End of story.
Other Half: That is so disrespectful.
Me: How? You left it there! Unattended. Looking tasty. Am I not allowed to eat food in my own home?
Other Half: Not the delicious food, no!
Me: Look, I took the muffin to work with me so I could eat it for breakfast (thinking that this would somehow appease her, knowing that I had taken it for economic reasons)
Other Half: The location where you consumed the muffin is not what is bothering me about this situation.
Me: (bewildered) I genuinely don't understand what the problem is. You feel entitled to the muffin somehow, even though you had a month to eat it and chose not to? You'd never survive in the wild.
Other Half: I wasn't aware there was a time limit.
Me: You should know by now I eat everything and anything if it is not nailed down.
Other Half: (sulkily) How foolish of me.
Me: (equally sulkily) Indeed.
I informed friends of this, expecting them to be on my side, but in fact they were generally disapproving of my attitude. One friend stated that "You may eat 50% of the cake items, but no more unless given express permission by the person who jointly owns the cake. You are permitted to pressure the joint owner of the cake after two (2) weeks of them failing to consume the cake based item. After three (3) weeks, you may say "I am going to eat that cake because you haven't eaten it". But forewarning is important. This is because there is NOTHING WORSE than expecting to find cake in your cupboard and then finding it is gone."
While I see the valid points she has raised, and understand that thinking you have cake when you don't have cake is one of life's greatest and keenest disappointments, let's be logical. How long can you expect to keep cake/muffin/any kind of baked delicacy before your partner's resolve, no matter how much they love and adore you, crumbles and they consume your treasured product? If there were set rules on this I would find it easier to deal with, but as there are none currently, the world is a wide open place full of other people's cake just waiting to be eaten.
In conclusion, I am apparently a cake fiend. Better lock your kitchen down when I visit. I can't be held responsible for anything that goes...missing.