At the weekend, after a particularly exhausting trip around town, we arrived back at the new flat (which I suppose I should really just start calling The Flat as we are no longer between properties. How long do you have to wait before it's appropriate to stop calling it the "new" thing? Does this vary with items? These are the questions that keep me awake at night). As I lay on the bed in a starfish shape, quietly groaning with the sweet release that only comes after you've walked several miles and carried several bags of clothes around for a couple of hours, then thrown them across a room, Other Half approached me. Her eyes were gleaming, which was my cue to try to escape the room. When she has that gleam in her eye, it means she has a Plan.
Other Half: I want to get fit. Would you like to start running with me?
These sentences are not really phrased like questions. They are phrased like a helpful suggestion that kindly advises that in the long run, this will be better for you, and if you don't you'll die. I wasn't buying it. I haven't died yet. Clearly, I'm a step ahead.
Me: Let me think....Um, not really.
Other Half: But it would be cheaper than the gym.
Me: We don't go to the gym.
Other Half: Yes, but if we did, it would be cheaper.
Me: You're telling me this activity is cheaper than something I already don't do?
Other Half: (narrowing her eyes) ....... Don't you want to be healthy?
Me: Hmmm.... (makes a seesaw hand motion to indicate how on the fence I am regarding personal fitness) I could really go either way at this point.
Other Half: (coaxingly) Come on! Don't you want to be fit?
Me: We just spent a month moving heavy wooden furniture and boxes full of enough books to start a mobile library. I am fit. Feel my abs! Check out these guns!
I pulled up my sleeve and showed her my arm, flexing it. She didn't look impressed.
Me: Have you got your tickets...to the GUN SHOW?
Other Half: No, I don't want to go to the Gun Show.
Me: But you have VIP tickets to the gun show.
Other Half: Yeah, well. I'm not going to go. I have a prior appointment.
Me: But you have reserved seating!
Other Half: I just don't care for the subject matter.
Me: You know, that's going to throw all my plans out of sync.
Other Half: Okay, fine! I'll go to the Gun Show! Just shut up about it.
Me: (flexing) Yeah! Gun Show! GUN SHOW!
If anyone else wants their tickets, drop me a comment. I'll be sure to save you some. Ring side seats, of course. Only the best for you guys.