Since I've been learning to speak Portuguese recently, I sometimes can't fight the need to show off slightly in everyday conversations by trying to teach (a usually unwilling) friend a phrase or two. Since Wetsoks is around me most often, she receives the brunt of this...er...affection.
Me: Hey. Guess what?
Wetsoks: What?
Me: I've been learning all the essential phrases.
Wetsoks: (pinching her nose) Oh dear.
Me: Eu vou comprar um golfinho.
She stared at me blankly.
Me: It means 'I am going to buy a dolphin'.
Wetsoks: That's an essential - Nevermind. We're not keeping it in the bathtub. I'll tell you that right now.
Me: But that's not a full 'no'?
Wetsoks exited the room, rolling her eyes.
Me: BUT THAT'S NOT A 'NO', RIGHT?
The silence continued.
Me: WOULD YOU PREFER IF I PUT IT IN THE KITCHEN SINK?
The silence continued.
Me: A VERBAL CONTRACT IS LEGALLY BINDING!
Wetsoks: I didn't say anything.
Me: Well. Did you?
Wetsoks: No, I didn't.
Me: Well. Did you?
Wetsoks: Goddammit! Don't expect me to get up to feed it! And if it cries during the night then it's your responsibility.
Me: Sweet.
I know that people now breed miniature sheep and teacup pigs as pets, so I don't imagine it will be very long before science develops goldfish-sized sea mammals. If I can't have a pet otter, I'm damn well having a pet dolphin. Who's with me?
Its just not going to happen, you know, no matter how much you wish it:
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They see me rollin', they hatin', yes? Unfortunate, but I accept this. Now hand me that beaker. We're going to make some tiny dolphins.
ReplyDelete"And lo, it was on that fateful day that Mad-girl Otternator - as she would be remembered - created the hybrid DNA aquatic lifeform with enhanced intelligence, dooming us all..."
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OR on the other paw, I could end up being the Queen of the Dolphin People... I'm just saying. Shun the non believers! Shun!
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