By The (Will)Power Of Greyskull

Before the Fleetch left to visit her family in the States for a week, we'd spent some time discussing a particular issue of mine. I won't go into detail now, except to say that it is terribly exciting, juicy and the most interesting thing ever. I'm kidding. It really wasn't that juicy. Anyway, at the end of the conversation I got up and started to pile our dinner plates into a wobbling, dangerous column so I could carry them to the kitchen.

Fleetch: I think I'm going to go to bed soon, dude, I'm up early tomorrow.

Me: Yeah me too.

I looked at the Fleetch. She was already focused on doing something pointless with her new iPad.

Me: So. Any wise words of advice before you leave?

She looked up from her iPad and gave me a slow, considering once-over.

Fleetch: Don't be a dick.

I opened my mouth to respond, closed it, opened it again, thought better of it and settled for just standing there, amazed that the exact advice I needed to hear was expressed in merely four words.

Me: ..... Huh. Thanks.

Fleetch: Anytime.

When the Fleetch returned after a hard week of partying with her family (including an amazing Harry Potter themed Halloween party that her sister threw, which honestly looks like the actual film set - at one point when she was showing me the photos, I asked how they managed to get the door to look like the entrance door to the Great Hall at Hogwarts, and she replied that that was already part of the house. It just happens to be a kickass massive wooden double door. You could have hidden a family of four behind it comfortably) I realised that I still hadn't paid her for my half of the Malta trip. I messaged the Fleetch.

Me: Brah. I still haven't paid you for Malta, so remember to give me your bank details later tonight.

Fleetch: This....is...PERFECT.

Me: Is it also Sparta?

Fleetch: Yes. Now imagine me facekicking people in the office.

Me: Um... I'm trying...

Fleetch: Feel free to read that as either me kicking people in the face, or kicking people with my face.

Me: I prefer the idea of you using your face to kick people.

Fleetch: Yeah, it's more my style.

Me: I can just imagine your appraisal - "Fleetch, while we value your skills and believe that you make a great addition to the team, we're not sure that it is...appropriate for you to facekick your colleagues every time you experience extreme emotion."

Fleetch: Goddamn Health and Safety.

Me: Tch. I know, right?

Found Down The Back Of The Internet

I adore modern technology. I love the convenience my smartphone affords me; when I'm lost, I can instantly check my location on Google Maps, when I need to know the real-time bus timetable for the stop I'm standing at, and when I want to find out what song is playing in the pub, I can use an app which will not only tell me the artist and song title, but also allows me to look up lyrics and immediately purchase the song if I should wish to do so.

A large part of this infatuation I have with technology boils down to the fact that I love the internet. I'm not ashamed to say it. The internet has brought me so much joy in the form of blogs, pictures, videos of anything and everything (including, in a couple of cases, some videos I wish I'd never laid eyes on and which may haunt me for the rest of my life, but every relationship has its flaws). So with this in mind, I decided to make this post in the form of an offering to the Internet Lord, may he live forever.

Firstly, I'd like to present this video of the Angry Birds Peace Negotiations, which is a sketch from an Israeli comedy show I'd never heard of before. It is incredibly funny even if you haven't actually played Angry Birds - and if you haven't, all you really need to know is that the pigs stole the birds' eggs, and in revenge the birds now hurtle themselves (using catapults) at the pigs' fortress, guided by the player. It really is as weird as that, and yet I find it curiously addicting. This video contains phrases you may repeat for months afterwards.

There is also this little gem, in the form of a video I have watched many times over, which is the introductory song to the Disney classic 'Beauty and the Beast' if it was sung by a West Hollywood Gay. Again, this one has a catchphrase which my friends have seized upon, much to my amusement, and several cleverly parodied lyrics (my current favourite is "fat bitch, with kids, she can't afford them"). Feast your ears upon on it.

http://www.autostraddle.com/beauty-the-beast-west-hollywood-gay-109596/

My friends and I have recently decided to go to Malta for a short holiday before the Fleetch leaves forever and returns to her homeland (possibly to settle down, mate and raise young Fleetches) which has spawned the 300 joke reference "This. Is. MALTA!" I'm going to make it a hashtag now, because any prolonged period of time with my friends inevitably has mild side effects - chaos, drunkenness and an urge to blog about every hilarious conversation.

This.
Is.
OTTER!