The Seat Thief

I went to the cinema last weekend with my British friend Wetsoks and my Greek friend Panini, to 'enjoy' the newly released film The Book Thief, adapted from the book by Markus Zusak. I say enjoy because although parts of it were amusing, it was essentially a film about childhood illiteracy, Nazi occupation and (spoiler alert!) a guy living in a basement for a really bloody long time. Oh and it's basically narrated by Death. So it wasn't exactly Fun And Frolics With Kittens 2: The Fluffinator. Nevertheless, we settled down into our seats and prepared to endure the commercials.

Me: Is it true that the Kevin Bacon adverts are gone? I thought the rumours might have been too good to be true.

Wetsoks: They appear to have disappeared but now we've got this animated cinema thing going on.

We watched the animated cinema thing happen for a while.

Me: It's better than bad Bacon... It makes me very sad to put the words "bad" and "bacon" together in any context. Somehow it makes me hate Kevin Bacon even more.

Wetsoks: I was here yesterday by myself, and the cinema was less full than it is right now. You wouldn't believe what happened.

Panini: What?

Wetsoks: Somebody sat right next to me. When there were available seats which were not right next to me.

Me: (appalled) No! Oh my god!

Panini: (laughing) What's the big deal?

Wetsoks: There were available seats. That is a huge and offensive breach of cinema ettiquette. One does not simply encroach on another person's space like that.

Me: How DARE they?

Wetsoks: I know, right? And it wasn't just one person, it was a couple of women. They talked through everything and made plans to meet on Tuesdays because of some cinema deal. So I'm never ever going to the cinema again on a Tuesday. Bastards.

Me: I am genuinely outraged on your behalf. This is unBritish. This is one of the most unBritish things you could possibly do. This is basically as unBritish as Kevin Bacon trying to be British.

Disney Life Lessons

Last night, Wetsoks, Fleetch and I watched a range of Disney films. As a sidenote, the Fleetch came over to see if I still had a power drill she thought she left with me (like I'd know where any of the DIY things are) and then got suckered in. No one can resist the power of the first film we watched, my ultimate favourite Disney film of all time, Hercules.

That might surprise some of you, given how often I make terrible Lion King quotes, but I have always adored Hercules. It's genuinely funny, has excellent characters including the snarky-but-with-a-heart-of-gold Megara, and intertwines classic Disney storytelling with Greek mythology (albeit a bit sporadically and with some artistic license) without it being such a forceful propaganda piece for marriage. Not like the next films we watched - The Little Mermaid, and then Aladdin. Now, I don't know if you've recently watched either of those, but the life lessons they teach are pretty appalling:


1. If You're Unattractive, You Can't Be Happy
During her busty rendition of Poor Unfortunate Souls, Ursula - you can tell she's the villain because she's mainly black and purpley, which is classic Disney stereotyping - tells Ariel a story of a girl who wanted to be thin, and a homely boy who wanted to find a girl. They came to her for a magical remedy, which fixed everything and presto! Love! She sort of sweeps over the fact that they couldn't pay the price afterwards and ended up being one of those wormy things attached to the floor of her lair in favour of touting her magical wares, as expected of a villain, and points out that Ariel won't need a voice to secure a man because she has her looks. Yes... men don't want you to talk. Ever. You won't need to have an opinion or a personality, as long as you're pretty!

Fleetch: Oh no, I'm a beautiful mermaid princess! My life is hell!

Me: Girl, please. First ocean problems.

Fleetch: Listen to to the lyrics "the girl who has everything" - yes. You have everything you could possibly want, and you're still whining.

Wetsoks: The seaweed is always greener.

Me: True dat. Incidentally, someone should be concerned about her obsession with collecting shiny things. The lyric is "but who cares, no big deal, I want more". Hoarder much?

Westoks: There's a show about people like her.


2. If You Wait, The Universe Will Hand You Stuff
One of the things Aladdin says in the first few minutes is "some day, Abu, things are going to change." Are they? How? You are not even trying to better your situation. The universe owes you squat, street rat.

Fleetch: You know what would solve a lot of Aladdin's problems? Getting a job. Does he think those bakers and fruit vendors can afford his constant theft? I bet they have starving families to feed.

Me: Good point. And sure, I can believe she's a princess, but I refuse to believe that she doesn't understand what 'payment' is. Oh Disney, trying to convince us women need help for even the simplest things.

There was silence for a few minutes while we watched Aladdin descend into the sand tiger cave, and get the lamp. And spoiler alert, Abu the greedy monkey can't help touching the largest jewel even after they've both been warned not to touch anything but the lamp. The flying carpet grabs Aladdin and they sweep towards Abu who is about to be melted into the lava lake created by his own greed and stupidity.

Me: I know this isn't going to be a popular opinion, but... look. The monkey got you into this mess. Leave him there. Who's going to know?

Wetsoks: Wow, dude. That is cold.

Me: I'm just saying. If we're ever in a situation where we're told "touch nothing but this one item and come right back" and you then touch something that endangers all our lives, I won't hesitate to leave you at the lava lake. Consequences. Face them.

Killer Joe

I had an extra ticket for the premiere of Killer Joe, a new William Friedkin film premièring yesterday for the first day of the Edinburgh Film Festival 2012. The director himself was there to present it, as was the delightful Gina Gershon. However given that it featured Matthew McConaughey, I couldn't find anyone to go with me for love nor money. In frustration, I bribed Wetsoks, which in both foresight and hindsight was a terrible idea.

Wetsoks: (wailing) Ugh, we're outside! It's awful! Look, there are Muggles everywhere!

Me: Buddy. Just... deal with it.

Wetsoks: No! Outside bad! BAD!

Me: (pinching my nose) Oh for goodness sake.

Wetsoks: Why do you take me nice places? You know I hate that.

Me: Because no one else would - oh, never mind.

There was a brief silence.

Wetsoks: What's this film even about anyway?

Me: Um... as far as I understand it from the trailer-

Wetsoks: Is it set in space?

Me: What? No.

Wetoks: Does it contain dragons or any kind of fantasy?

Me: No.

Wetoks: Oh god, it's all the things I hate, isn't it?

Me: I -

Wetsoks: It's not one of those emotional films, is it? Like, with feelings, and stuff?

Me: Well, it has Matthew McConaughey in it... so probably not.

Wetsoks: Actually I quite like him.

Me: There's no accounting for personal taste. Anyway, it's supposed to be about a guy who hires a contract killer to murder his mother, so he can collect the insurance policy.

Wetsoks: This sounds awful.

Me: The Guardian gave it 4 stars. And said it was Matthew McConaughey's best work yet... which frankly wouldn't be that difficult to achieve...

I have to say that in all seriousness, I actually really enjoyed Killer Joe. I found it vastly entertaining, even if the beginning was a little rushed; however give the personalities of the characters, the plot still felt pretty plausible. I can't say that I take back all of my earleir criticism of Matthew McConaughey, because I sat through How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, losing approximately 2 hours of my life that I would have spent happily spent doing absolutely anything else, up to and including participating in a Crocs fashion show, and I can never forgive him entirely for that offence. In fairness, I blame Kate Hudson equally, but I don't think she is actually capable of offering anything more, whereas Killer Joe showed that Matthew McConaughey is actually a pretty decent actor when given something chunky and worthwhile to work with.

A quick word of caution to those of you who are planning to see this film - it is violent. It is shocking in places. And you'll never look at chicken in quite the same way again. You have been warned.

The Hath Strikes Back

The best way to describe this post is to point out that my friends and I have some very odd conversations at times, or at least, conversations that start off normally and then swiftly devolve into surrealism and insults. (And to think I almost published my newest blog post in progress, which was about the Festival. Heh. This one is much more fun) As an example, I found the below email from last year in my Sent folder and really can't remember why I thought it was so funny at the time (even though it undoubtedly was)

“Dear Life,

I never want to give you up. I never want to let you down. I never want to run around and hurt you. I never want to make you cry. I never want to say goodbye. I never want to lose my robot arm made of grain.

Love RickRoll“

Hmm. It's an enigma wrapped in a mystery surrounded by a RickRoll, that's for sure.

In any case the following conversation took place shortly after a discussion about the newest Anne Hathaway film, which if you have read the previous Hath-related post, you will know already that one of my friends has a deep and undying love for the deer-eyed actress which almost rivals my love for The Dern. I also made the mistake of permitting my friends to choose their names, which as you will see was a great (terrible) idea.

Me: I named one of my GFs from Final Fantasy VIII “Hathaway” in your honour, Tanyakit – she’s a naked Siren who sits on a rock and damages enemies by singing. Ha.

Tanyakit: That is a great honour, indeed

Me: Oh yes, the honour is indeed noteworthy. In addition, I have named my brutal, rock-smashing, horned minotaur-like firebeast  “Rachel”. I think we all know who I am referring to. 

Tanyakit: Wow, really? So you would say that’s an accurate description of McAdam?

Me: Actually, it’s about as nice as I can manage to be. She is pretty powerful though, and her Hellfire attack simply squishes everyone. It’s just a shame she’s so homely and barrel-chested.

Tanyakit: She is really not that special in real life either. I am pretty sure she suffers from the same too-much-mouth affliction as the Hath, and Jennifer Garner…and Julia Roberts…and…pretty much everyone else.

Me: So true, so true. Except at least Hathaway has some redeeming qualities, like her ridiculously overlarge anime eyes, and her ability to act a maximum of one and a half emotions at any given time, whereas Rachel brings nothing to the table.

D$ha: Not even side boob?

Me: (reluctantly) Well...she might bring a little sideboob. But it’s inadequate sideboob. The quality is below poor.

Tanyakit: Does she have enough to quantify side boob? All I know about McAdam is she walked out of a Vanity Fair shoot because they wanted her to show some actual skin. She is meant to be quite strait laced and prudish, or at least that’s her image.

D$ha: (whispering) BOOBS.

Wetsoks: BOOBS!

The Sarahinator: Really, guys?

At this point Other Half jumped in, although since we have been split up for some time I shall have to refer to her as Ex Other Half (although not Ex OH in case people mistake it for a Gossip Girls reference)

Ex Other Half: I can't take this anymore! She has been naked in at least 3 films I have seen her in.

Me: That’s true, you did have that desktop wallpaper with a naked Rachel on it, thus proving that she has been naked on film. She has not, however, managed to look attractive, or to radiate any sexuality beyond the capabilities of an ordinary household sponge.

Tanyakit: You obviously haven’t got our sponge. Its always making bedroom eyes at me.

Me: I get mine from Tesco.

Tanyakit: See, that's your problem right there.

Otters Do It On Film

I didn't publish a post yesterday - not because I didn't have one ready, or at least not exactly, as I have about 3 different half-finished posts saved but I'm not sure about any of them - so please, accept my otter expressions of *apologetic ears* and *rueful grin*. I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and if it doesn't feel right then I will plant my feet on the ground and refuse to budge. However, I am also aware that I have lovely loyal readers who are quite clearly the bestest, funnest people ever, and I don't wish to disappoint them. I hear that flattery can get you places, but I wouldn't know. I never employ it. Say, have you guys done something different with your hair? It looks great. Really, it does. And are those new shoes? Stunning. You don't look a day over fabulous. 
 
I thought I'd briefly mention some of my favourite films, as I'd like to branch out from mere conversations into other, more normal bloggy territory. This is quite possibly a crap and dangerous idea, but this Otternator laughs in the face of danger (then she hides under the couch, trembling, until it goes away). Some of these are films which you may never have heard of, others are box office classics which I'm sure everyone has seen at some time or another.
 
Firstly, Jurassic Park (1993). If you've read the previous posts you'll know I have a giant raging crush on Laura Dern. Interesting fact - did you know she was married to Billy Bob Thornton? He left her, but for Angelina Jolie, so technically that's evidence that the only woman hotter than Laura Dern is good old Ang (we're on first name terms, you see). Ang isn't looking so great these days though. I don't think saving Cambodia agrees with her. Alternatively, it might be the stress of having an army of children hanging on to her every limb. Still, people need hobbies. In any case, Jurassic Park is incredible. The special effects are a little dated now, sure, but the John Williams musical score, the sheer geniusness of the idea, and the part where a Brontosaurus sneezes on a child make this one of the best films I've ever seen. The velociraptors in the kitchen are still enough to make me jump, even though I've seen this particular film enough times to be able to stage a one-person production of it (memo to self: damn good idea). If you haven't seen Jurassic Park, well. You haven't lived.
 
Hedwig and the Angry Inch (2001) This is an odd choice, but it fully deserves its place in this list. John Cameron Mitchell (who not only wrote and directed the film, but also stars at the main character) is one of my cinematic inspirations. The film centres around Hansel, a young guy living in East Berlin when the wall is still up. He meets an American sergeant and falls in love. Unfortunately, to allow them to get married and leave the country, Hansel must have a sex change operation and assume his mother's name, Hedwig. Unfortunately it goes rather wrong, which is rather a large understatement, and he is left with the 'angry inch' of the title. He goes on to be a rock star, somewhat, performing in small bars and restaurants (usually next to the buffet table) but I won't spoil the rest for you. Suffice to say that this film features great musical numbers, is completely hilarious and has a wonderful take on the origin of love. Go see it. You won't be disappointed.
 
Switchblade Romance (2003) This is the only horror film to feature, because it's not really my preferred genre. I tend to find that most horror films scare you in the first ten minutes and then spend the next twenty minutes building up the characters, onyl to kill them off. This ruins the flow and is pretty predictable, in my opinion. Switchblade Romance, however, is completely unpredictable. It starts off gruesome and keeps racketing up the tension (in fact the original French title is Haute Tension or High Tension) until you find yourself watching through your fingers, terrified and yet fascinated. The story is simple. Two French girls are on study leave. One of them has a family who live on a farm in the country, so to get some peace and quiet they decided to visit. The night they arrive, a stranger in a van pulls up outside. When the father answers the door, the stranger kills him brutally, and then enters the house. He sees a photo of the family, and begins to hunt each of them down in turn. He doesn't realise that there is a second girl present in the house, and she in turn does her best to keep hidden from him as she sneaks about trying to save the remaining family members. Thus begins a horrifying but deeply enjoyable ride of terror. 
 
Batteries Not Included (1987). This is quite possibly the greatest childhood film ever. My parents used to rent it for me at the local video shop every week. They would beg and bribe and blackmail in order to get me to choose another film, but I stayed strong. They told me years later that they hadn't been able to find the video available in shops at the time, so instead of buying it they were forced to rent it every single week for about 2 years. The video shop reserved a specific copy just for me. Even now, it still amazes me. The premise is simple - two small robot aliens arrive in America, the 'female' gives birth to three baby robot aliens (none of which look remotely alike and all of which look like they were constructed from bits of alarm clock and cassette players) and then they proceed to warm the hearts of every resident of the tenement building they landed on by doing miraculous things, like mending the glass windows of the cafe after some bullying thugs break it, keeping old lady Jessica Tandy's sanity on more or less an even keel, and giving the guy who used to be a boxer some of his confidence back, amongst much else. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it highly. You will require tissues, unless you have a heart of stone.


What should I do next? Books? Food? Animals? Who goes? You decide.