Tuesday, 30 July 2013

Caesar 3 Wasn't Built In A Day

My Sloth girlfriend and I were hanging out last night after watching Battle Royale. The conversation began with her favourite new phone game, but tailed off when she tried to explain the rules to me.

Me: (suspiciously) It looks like... Farm Tetris.

Sloth: It's really good.

Me: Uh huh. Hey, you know what you should play? Caesar 3. Remember I lent you the disc because it's for Windows and I, poor soul, only have a Mac?

Sloth: I do really want to try that.

Me: I have no ulterior motive for getting you to install it.

Sloth: (unconvinced stare)

Me: You know what? I bet I could find it for Mac somewhere on the internet!

I quickly Googled this and discovered to my absolute joy that I could purchase the game which made my formative years pass so quickly (well, that and Final Fantasy VIII) for a mere $5.99. The fact that the price was in dollars only quickened my little typing paws, because dollars, especially dollars on my credit card, are mentally sifted into the Fictional Monopoly Money section of my brain, and quickly deleted from the trashcan memory.

Me: I'm downloading! It's alive! ALIVE!

Sloth: (wistfully but pointedly) Remember when I used to have a girlfriend?

Me: Installing...installing...

Sloth: Remember those days? She was lovely. We spent a lot of time together.

Me: (absentmindedly) That's nice, sweetheart.

Sloth: (sighing and picking up her phone)  Okay, I'm fine. I have a new Sims demo. Later.

Me: (clicking frantically) Just get whatever you want, babe.

We ended up playing our separate games in unified joy. It would have been a beautiful scene, except anyone present would have heard us both shouting at our games, which made for some quite bizarre conversations.

Sloth: Right, I'm going fishing.

Me: Could you possibly not collapse every two seconds, you stupid bastard farm? You're surrounded by engineers.

Sloth: I don't want tuna, I want salmon!

Me: Oh, your house can't evolve because you have no pottery? Well fuck you. I decide what your market gets. I AM YOUR POTTERY GOD. BOW TO ME.

Sloth: Get out of my way, Jake! Fine, if you won't get out of my house I'm going to flirt with her again. Oh, is she your girlfriend? Tough. If you'd let me go fishing this wouldn't have happened.

Me: ...What?

Sloth: What?

Me: Nothing. You're awesome.

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