Wednesday, 2 January 2013

In Case Of Bear Attacks

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you, otterlings! I apologise for my long absence. The tail end of 2012 was a busy time in many ways, and required my full attention. I will endeavour to make this up to you with a brand new post, partly courtesy of my temporary new flatmates (one of whom in Canadian, because I miss the Fleetch and if I close my eyes it almost sounds like she's back).

Canada: In our physical education classes in Canadian schools, we get taught how to ward off bears. You know, like for school trips and stuff.

Me: (intrigued) Really? How?

Canada: (demonstrating) You're supposed to hold your canoe paddle above your head and shout WOAH BEAR.

Me: (mimicking) WOAH BEAR! And does that work?

Canada: Well... it makes you look bigger, I guess.

Me: I'm actually disappointed that Scotland has no indigenous large predators on which I could test this.

Canada: That's a... shame?

Me: (thoughtfully) I could always use it to fend off sexual predators! In fact, I demand that we immediately introduce this into our group of friends as a helpful alternative to the current code, which mostly involves making panicked eye contact with someone and hoping that they telepathically hear your SOS call.

Canada: Um?


When I was cleaning the flat in preparation for said new flatmates, I realised I'd lost one of my awesome Harry Potter coasters. In truth I'd vaguely acknowledged that it was missing some time ago, but hadn't yet done anything about it. One friend questioned me on this.

Alana: So where is it?

Me: (vaguely) I think the cat took it.

Alana: (pinching her nose) The cat took.... Okay. And did you search for it?

Me: Yes.

Alana: Did you really?

Me: It depends what you mean by 'search'. If you mean, did I gaze upon all the visible surfaces including those parts of the carpet I can see without bending then yes, I 'searched' for it.

Alana: I see. It's probably under the couch, you know.

Me: That seems like a lot of effort. WOAH BEAR!

Alana: What?!

Me: Nothing. I'll send out a memo.


  1. This could also be shouted at the point of climax.


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