Sunday, 5 June 2011

Birthdays And Cocktails And Whiskers On Kittens

I spent Saturday afternoon with my family, celebrating my cousin's 18th birthday. I hadn't seen my parents in over a month, so there was a lot to catch up on. The party was in full swing - people lounged around and chatted (stomachs pleasingly expanded to breaking point due to an excellent buffet) and a series of what I can only describe as indoor fireworks which my aunt insisted on lighting on the dining room table, in spite of the rather dangerous looking sparks that streamed from it, lit up the room rather prettily. During a lull in the conversation, my mother leaned over to me and said in what she probably imagined was a conspiratorial whisper but, due to the amount of punch she'd consumed, was more of a Jack Bauer quiet-shout:

Mum: You'll take care of us in our old age, won't you?

Me: Um. Of course?

Mum: I don't mean we'd come and live with you! Haha!

My left eye starts to twitch.

Me: Right.

Mum: Wouldn't that be fun, though? We could go shopping all the time and I'd clean your house for you!

I can feel the twitch expanding to my left cheek.

Me: Wonderful.

Mum: (hopefully) But, I mean, you'll put us in a good nursing home, right? A nice, clean, expensive nursing home?

As I opened my mouth to answer, my dad caught my eye over my mother's shoulder and mouthed the word "separate", waving his arms emphatically with wide, serious eyes.

Me: Yes. Er. I can definitely say that I will.

As my mother moved away to speak to another party guest, my dad moved past me.

Dad: Make it look like an accident. I want to play golf all day every day, understand?

Me: Gotcha.

Sorry, Mum, but I've always been a Daddy's girl. Besides, he slipped me some money on the way out. Have your people call my people. I'll await your offer.


  1. Thanks for the giggle. I think my Mum and your Mum would get on well, my Mum also threatens to clean for me. Though I think for her it's a loving offer, masking despair at my ongoing un-domesticity.

  2. I feel like once you ask for anything "expensive", you're sort of asking for whatever you get.

    But that's just cold-hearted, little ol' me.

  3. Yeah, she'll get what I give her and like it! Whereas Dad is going to a lovely resort abroad. Oh, those admin people, always getting their files mixed up!