Uninvited Houseguests

My friends and I had planned a lovely evening on Friday - we'd booked a table at a local Chinese restaurant, we'd got tickets to see Shark Night at the cinema (which spawned a whole hilarious email thread in itself when the Fleetch started insisting that Shark Knight would have been a better title, and the plot would have involved sharks riding elephants in a jousting tournament) and then we were planning to head out to the local bars/clubs and paint the town otterstyle. During dinner, the following conversation happened, and it was a perfect blogging moment, despite the fact that it ruined my appetite completely.

Tanyakit: So, we have a third flatmate.

Wetsoks: Yeah, and I hate it.

Fleetch: Oh, really? Another one?

Me: (bewildered) What? You have another flatmate?

Tanyakit: It's a big one.

Me: A big what?

Wetsoks: Spider.

Me: (horrified) Oh.

Wetsoks: It's living in our bathroom.

Tanyakit: (to the Fleetch) So, could you possibly come round and dispose of it?

Fleetch: How bad is it? Can't you do it yourself?

Tanyakit: Let's just say that it's such a big spider, if I wanted to take a bath I wouldn't need a plug.

Me: (turning slightly green) Guys-

Tanyakit; No, seriously, I've been showering at the gym. We're afraid of it.

Me: (putting my fork down) Could you at least substitute the word 'spider' for something that won't put me off my food?

Wetsoks: What, like 'kitten'?

Me: Um...

Wetsoks: So, Fleetch, I tried to drown the 'kitten' in the bathtub, but it was too big to fit down the plughole. The 'kitten' just won't die.

Me: This is oddly not helping as much as I thought it would.

Fleetch: (heaving a sigh) Fine, fine, I'll come round and kill the 'kitten'.

Tanyakit: It's just awful. It sits there, looking at you with its horrible, big (she catches my eye)... um, 'kitten' eyes, and it has these really long (she catches my eye again) ... adorable fuzzy legs?

Me: Can't you trap it under a cup or something?

Wetsoks: (darkly) It's too big for a cup.

Me: Okay. I'm done eating. and I'm not coming round again til that 'kitten' is gone.