Thursday, 29 March 2012

Sugar White And The Sixteen Apprentices

My friend Irish Kim and I were discussing last night's The Apprentice this morning. For those of you who don't live in Britain, The Apprentice is a television programme, and here I will quote the actual synopsis from the BBC website so you can get a taste of what it involves;

"Sixteen candidates, two eagle-eyed advisers and one self-made millionaire. Sir Alan Sugar tests the nerves and brains of the hungriest hopefuls in the business world as they compete to win a six-figure salary job as his apprentice. Over twelve weeks the candidates will be split into two teams and given a weekly task with which to expose their entrepreneurial abilities. For those on the winning team, a taste of the executive lifestyle awaits in the form of a luxury treat, but the losing team must visit the boardroom, defend their respective corners and battle for survival. "

This is...well.... it's not exactly untrue. However, they omit mentioning that the contestants are almost always comprised of twelve or thirteen management types who couldn't find a tree in a forest, one or two oddly aggressive people and one or two actual decent humans. For the most part, the contestants are shouty, arrogant and tend to be very quick to blame everyone but themselves. I actually wrote a post last year about this same show (link here ) which featured my favourite participant of all time, Helen.

Oh, Helen. How I miss your flair for creative thinking, your uncanny ability to deliver perfect pitches to clients, your sweet smile and classy taste in suit jackets. Okay, so I admit I had a little crush on Helen. But come on, who didn't?

 (courtesy of

Kim: You watch the Apprentice, right?

Me: Of course. That Irish woman is COLD. I can't believe she told Lord Sugar that she cared more about this job than she did about her crying child.

Kim: The Irish woman is awful! Also, is it just me or does she look 40, not 27? I am so sad that the eye-shadow-lady was fired. She didn’t deserve it. Also, I thought it would have been amazing to see her as project manager because I’m pretty sure she’d get violent.

Me: Yes, the Irish woman is old and is built like a tree, as well apparently being a seriously neglectful mother. Whereas Maria-in-the-sky-with-eyeshadow totally would have stabbed someone with her stiletto, which in my opinion would have made for excellent telly.

Kim: I would have bought that tap cosy, seriously. I now want to go to Amazon and pitch a million units of my flimsy piece of plastic that you can draw on.

Me: And come on, the Irish woman is totally picking on Katy who actually seemed to have a fair clue about what was happening, and when sent to do the market research job actually did it, and then was told “we’ve going to ignore that entirely” – so how can she be blamed? I like Katy. And the Scottish one, I don’t know her name and I don't like her accent, but at least she took responsibility for the idea and didn’t start throwing blame around in the boardroom so she has my respect.

Kim: I adore Katy. And Gabrielle. I don’t know why but I like Gabrielle a lot. She’s nice.

Me: No way, Gabrielle was a terrible project manager last week. I would have fired her ass, because I’m harsh like that. But Katy, hmm. She might be my Helen for 2012.



The rest of the emails were comprised of pictures of Helen, looking ever more radiant. I will of course keep you up to date on whether Katy can walk in Helen's perfect shoes, but I encourage you all to watch the show, if for no other reason than to potentially see someone hit someone else with a stiletto.

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