This post began with a tiny bottle of wine and a vague idea. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I love tiny bottles of wine. My parents bought me some for Christmas and every time I open one, I can't help feeling like a giant, which is in fact one of my favourites ways to liven up almost any activity. My all-time favourite foodstuff to do this with are Milky Way Magic Stars, which if you've never had them (and I pity you if you have not) are small chocolate stars with little faces printed on. When my colleague walked over to my desk the other day, she was eyeing the packet of jelly sweets near me and, much like a gentle furry maternal mammal in a forest clearing in the first ten minutes of almost any Disney film, had no idea what traumatic event was about to befall her.
Colleague: Ooh, jellybabies! Can I have one?
Me: Sure! On a related note, they're not mine, but go right ahead.
Colleague: I like to bite off their heads first. Isn't that wicked?
Me: Perhaps. I prefer to torture Magic Stars.
Colleague: (bewildered) What?
Me: (holding up a star) Watch.
Star: (in tiny high-pitched voice) Please don't eat me, no!
Me: (roaring like a giant) I MUST EAT YOU.
Star: Please stop! I have a family! I have tiny chocolatey star children!
Me: THEN THEY SHALL WATCH YOU BE CONSUMED.
Colleague: (backing away) .... Um.
Me: (shoving the Magic Star into my mouth like I'm a hungry troll) THE SWEET DELICIOUSNESS OF YOUR DESPAIR SUSTAINS ME.
See? Totally normal. Everyone does this. Right? I'm absolutely convinced that this is not at all a sociopathic thing to do. It's just the otter in me.